not done one of these in a while…

What was the highlight of your week?
today, being with all the people that i love


Whose car were you in last?
my brothers


What color shirt are you wearing?
its a dress that is turquoise and purple


How long is your hair?
20km


Last movie you watched?
i am watching toy story 3 right now


Who were you with?
i am with Mixie my cat


Last thing you drank?
should have been water but alas, it was coffee


Are you happy right now?
i am but i just woke up so im kinda sleepy


What did you say last?
i have no idea actually


Where is your phone?
to my left


What color are your eyes?
brown


Spell your name without vowels:
lyd


Do you have any pets?
a cat named Mixie


Favorite Vacation?
wow there are way too many - Hawaii last year, or cuba, or canada, or going across america, or little paris trips with my dad, or skiing… i couldnt possibly choose one!


What do you dislike currently?
some situations


What are you listening to?
klangkarussell - sonnentanz ft will heard (sun dont shine). im fucking obsessed.


If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
a hug.


What is your favorite scent?
dkny be delicious. but alas, im skint so can not afford


Who makes you happiest?
all the people that i love the most - boyfriend, best friend, family, mixie


What were you doing at midnight last night?
getting the bus home i think, that or drinking


When is your birthday?
4th august


Who has the same phone as you?
the majority of the population


Last time you went swimming in a pool?
hawaii last year i think


Do you read your horoscope?
not the rubbish magazine ones, but i am currently studying a book all about my sign which is teaching me a lot about myself.


Where was the last place you bought something?
whsmith - chocolate for my sisters easter present.


How do you feel about your hair right now?
jesus, its pretty shit!


Do you bite your nails?
all the time - they are fucking rank!


Do you have any expensive jewelery?
my pocket watch necklace is worth a bit i think, as is my watch, and i have a rare crystal pendent. apart from that its all cheap shit!


How fast have you driven a car?
er, so fast that i flipped it and cannot remember the speed…


Have you ever smoked?
NO WAY YUCK FILTHY HABBIT


What was or is your favorite subject in school?
sport, or drama


Dream Job?
travel writer


Where does most of your family live?
Reigate, Surrey


Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
i have a super cool brother and a super cool sister


Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
ohhhh i dont know, maybe a little?


What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
fuck what time is it


Do you drink?
GOD NO


Do you have any children?
only six


Did you take a nap today?
for four hours woooooops


Who has the same birthday as you?
the queen mother did


Ever met anyone famous before?
a fair few actually!


Do you want to be famous one day?
wouldnt mind it!…


Any Pet Peeves?
GOD so many -
people hooking coat hangers round the rail the wrong way.
people taking ages trying on loads of shit when they are obviously not going to buy anything.
people asking fucking stupid questions.
patronising people.
when thoughtless comments are made.
when my coffee isnt extra hot.
tea or coffee served in a glass. i cannot stand the sight of it.
being late.
not having talcompowder present.
people being so possessive about their stuff. its only stuff - SHARE IT GOD DAMN IT!
i could write loads more but i wont….


Do you like Britany Spears?
love her!


What is your least favorite chore?
laundry. or washing my hair…


How many pairs of shoes do you own?
too many… maybe like 40?


How many piercings do you have?
8, i think


What’s the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
a have dropped a phone or five down the toilet in my time - that was pretty fucking stupid.


Do you wish you could move?
i do, and i am going to :D

if you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
Cayo Levisa. a beautiful tiny island off cuba with white sand and crystal sea, with a cocktail in the sun. jesus i would give alot to be in that sitch right this second i tell you!..


Are you happy with your life?
right now? yes - although i know that it is only going to get better; and i am so so so excited for that;)


What is one regret in your life?
putting my family through hell? but really, i dont believe in having regrets.. stuff probably kind of happens for a reason - and i am way fucking stronger than i ever could be because of what happened. no regrets yo

09:44 pm, by lydiadavies

Although I have been doing loads more, I find I have loads less to write about.

I think this is because I am not thinking things, making lists, planning things that never happen. I am being proactive, enjoying being present, and relaxing more.

Today I admit, I am kind of counting the minutes a bit, dreading bringing the rails in, putting the grills on, THEN walking home to my state of a bedroom and having to tidy that. I am much more looking forward to tomorrow than I am to the next few hours. But I need to just forget them and just do it as it comes to save myself the aggravation and anxiety of anticipation.

This weekend I am going to my family home for Easter Sunday. Although it is probably my biggest trigger, I am feeling more confident than I ever have before at facing it. I have some safe guards set up already which should help me keep on track and not relapse. I want to be able to show my family just how far I have come (even though they already know), and I want them to experience just me, without all the other complications.

Have a divine Easter xxoxoxo

  04:53 pm, by lydiadavies 1

Cobalto calcite crystal;

Facilitates emotional healing.
Symbolises unconditional love, compassion,forgiveness.
Calms the emotional body.
Assists development of self love.
Mends a broken heart.
Assists with grief.

Helps overcome feelings of lack of self worth and self judgement by clearing blocked energy and trauma.

It is a powerful stone used to speed up the healing process, and helps you to channel your higher self.

It also relieves stress and worry about money.

  02:44 pm, by lydiadavies 1

Weekends are far too short.
The concept of spending so much time working in order to get money to enjoy time not working does not really make too much sense to me, when the free time is so very limited.

I hate Sundays more that I hate Mondays because of the anticipation of a Monday on a Sunday..

  11:35 pm, by lydiadavies 1

Today was one of the longest days I have had in a while. I could focus on nothing but nothing. I spent the day dreaming of being anywhere but where I was, and doing anything but what I was doing.

I was craving being on the beach drinking cocktails and chain smoking like a chimney.

I have learned to realise lately that there isn’t enough time. There isn’t enough time to piss about doing things that you don’t like doing. There isn’t enough time to hold on to amazing moments; they have to keep being recreated in the present. There isn’t enough time to worry about what other people think, or what other people might say. One of my most common thinking errors are mind reading and fortune telling. I constantly try and predict the future, and read people to my best ability. But this has changed and I have withdrawn from these habits, as they are completely pointless.

My point about today is that I recognised my old clock watching, anxious, mind reading, thought questioning self coming through, and I don’t want that to be the case.

I am excited to be making rash decisions, having constant fun, and doing whatever the hell I want.

Yet again this post made little to no sense, but I felt like writing something.

Peace&love sistahz xox

  11:26 pm, by lydiadavies

here is some more of my book…..


My identity became my eating disorder, and my eating disorder was my identity. I looked in the mirror and could not believe how thin I had got. I gazed at my perfect legs, ran my blue fingers over my protruding ribcage like a piano. My face was sunken, my cheekbones like daggers. The largest part of my body was my haunted eyes, which stared back at me in the mirror in a state of pure amazement and triumph at what I had achieved. I bought a pair of size four jeans which dangled around my stick like legs, and hung so lose around my waist and bottom, that I had to wear three pairs of tights and a pair of leggings under them just to keep them on. My hip bones poked out through my clothes, my stomach was concave, and my elbows sharp as knives. My breasts were completely non-existent, and even a child’s bra sat inches away from my chest. My knickers didn’t even fit, as I no longer had a bottom. They hung limply off me and resembled a loose nappy. Yes, to you this may all sounds extremely unattractive, but I felt absolutely stunning. I did not look real, I looked like some strange mystical creature, and that is what I felt like, on a trip away with the fairies, deep in a world of fantasy.

In contrast though, I felt fearful. Fearful of death at times, but then when I was feeling euphoric I could not care a less. Such a mix of these powerfully contrasting feelings is almost impossible to describe unless you have been through this yourself. Even then though, I cannot say that other people felt the same. The beautifully haunted world that I was living in was miles away from anyone else, and everything else.

After university every day I would not go home, but instead would pace in the darkness of the bitterly cold winter evenings to Fenwick’s department store. I would wander round aimlessly for hours gazing at all the beautiful objects. I became unbelievably observant and thought everything was stunning. How had I not noticed all of these amazing things before? The homeware section was my favourite. I would look at everything gold and fantasize about being rich and having all of these incredible items in my future luxury apartment. I was constantly thinking about other people and buying them things. I spent so much money getting people presents because I just wanted to give. I wanted to give everything and take nothing, to make other people happy because they deserved it and I didn’t. I spent lots of time baking the chocolatiest and most fattening cakes and handing them out to friends, watching in delight as they consumed a 600-calorie slice. This made me feel like I had a purpose, and it also made me feel great that I was so thin, could make all these delightful desserts, and watch other people revel in the taste and gain weight ha-ha.

I listened to a song called ‘Spiral’ on repeat. The lyrics ‘nothing’s really safe but everything’s amazing’ were constantly in my head. It was exactly how I felt about life… extremely unsafe, but fucking amazing. That line is the best description for the ridiculous contrast of emotions that had taken over me.

I was walking everywhere now. Forty minutes to university and forty minutes back. Up every flight of stairs I could find, the longest route possible, and round and round town and shops. I had been told to stop walking so much, and was supposed to get taxis everywhere. My mum even bought me a leopard print wheelie suitcase to carry my things to university in, as I was burning up too many calories carrying my huge bag around. I ignored both of these suggestions and carried on doing what I thought I should.

The only way, in which I was able to warm my permanently icy body up, was by sitting in a bath full of boiling water. I would run it as deep as I could before the water started to get cold. Actually getting in was horrendous, as it meant taking of all of my clothes and being unbearably cold for some long seconds. I would lower myself in slowly until my sharp tailbone clunked against the bottom of the tub. It was absolute agony to sit. I would lie back, my spine cracking against the surface. Sometimes I would exhale all of the air in my lungs and lie completely under the water just to see what it might feel like to not be in the world anymore. I would imagine drowning and only bring myself back up when I had to. I would look down at my purple knees, and would examine my skeleton of a body. Sometimes I would stroke the layer of fur that was developing on my arms, and wonder whether I HAD taken things too far, and even be a little scared. Thoughts like this never lasted more than a few seconds, as they quickly disappeared behind the mist of the voice congratulating me for achieving skinny. Getting out of the bath was dreadful. Being socking wet and THAT cold was excruciating. I would dart to my bedroom down the hall and blast the hair dryer over my transparent skin in a desperate attempt to heat myself again.

Another thing I did a lot around this time, was sit on benches. I would just walk around completely dazed and sit on benches anywhere by myself, and not think. I would be completely blank and glazed over, but horrendously lonely, cold and depressed at the same time. I remember sitting on a bench in town outside a church for several hours once. I was completely numb, and feeling nothing, till I felt a tear slide down my face, and then another, and then another. I didn’t move, I just sat there, blinking terrified tears, but feeling powerless to them. I felt like I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to, and nothing to say anyway. I ended up going in to the church, and sitting talking to myself, and maybe god. I had no idea what to do with myself. I was so, so sad.

  10:07 pm, by lydiadavies 5

As of late I have been dipping in and out of my book. I posted this extract last night because as I read it I relived it. It was so vivid, and I remember exactly how I felt at that specific time.

Certain sections of my book are more difficult for me to read than others, as I am still living with aspects of the illness. The chapters towards the end are closer to this present time, so when I read it hits a nerve inside me.

I cannot wait for other people to read it, because I have no idea how I, or my story come across. It all spilled out of me in to the form of a book, and it was so fast that I can barely remember writing parts of it which is crazy.

Sometimes I panic reading it because I have revealed literally every detail about myself, my most personal secrets. It scared me that I am going to offer this information freely to everyone that wants to read it. It scared me that I may be judged, or people’s views of me will be tainted by my past and current issues.
But then I remember that I am just an atom, nothing really matters, except the present moment. Not giving a fuck what people think of me has been the most useful way of life I have ever learned. I am ten times happier when I dismiss the negativity of others and just do what makes me happy and what I want.

Probably made no sense again?

Peace&lovr

  11:51 am, by lydiadavies

My life has changed so so much as of late and over the past few years.

Since moving to Brighton with my best friend, I have learned so much, and enjoyed life. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life and I genuinely do not know what I would do without her.

I have battled with some of the biggest things I hope I will ever have to deal with in my life. I have lost so much from what happened, but I have also gained so much. I don’t think I would be half as strong or accepting as I am today if I hadn’t experienced what I did. I will always be eternally sorry to my family and friends for what I put them through.. But at the same time I am grateful for being so lucky to survive what I have, and to have been taught such a deep lesson through myself and my mind…

Maybe this doesn’t make much sense, but I have started to believe that things happen for reasons, and although some things are unjust and horrible and unfair, they have a purpose.

11:15 pm, by lydiadavies 4

I am currently feeling:

Completely unfazed by anything

Confused a little

Relaxed with my confusion for once

Present

Absent

Mellow

Level?!

  11:06 pm, by lydiadavies 2

It has been some time since I have posted!… This is because I have been super busy doing absolutely nothing. And this is amazing.

Usually I find it genuinely IMPOSSIBLE to not be doing something or worrying about something or having something. But, for the past couple of weeks I have managed to flick a switch in my head; one that turns off all the adrenalin that constantly makes me restless and anxious and bored and everything else that I am. It feels mad to just be sitting in my bed doing nothing and not hating everything because of this situation. I am content with nothingness at the moment.

I feel like I have become extremely present. It’s as if I have properly grasped that the only moment that truly exists is now. I am in my element when I am in the present, and I know what I am; that I am merely an atom; a kabillionth of a pinprick in this universe. I find this an extremely helpful mindset to be in, and it just reminds me that almost nothing matters too much. Huge problems are actually very small, and long days are actually short.

The more I write the less it makes sense but I know exactly what I am jabbering on about.

Although I have so much stuff to get done and to be doing I am quite happy to put everything off until I feel ready to complete the tasks. Most people would see this as a bad thing, procrastination, in motivation… But for me it is completely the opposite, and it is a very good thing.

Peace&love

  04:21 pm, by lydiadavies 3

Here is a blog here is a brog.

Done some new stuff as of late which is a good thing. Apart from being fairly unproductive on my days off, I did go to a gym trial session with my best friend.

We ran for half an hour which I don’t mind, as running used to be my thing.. and by some miracle, even after smoking loads and starving and drinking and everything else I have put my body though, I have managed to maintain my stamina and an alright level of fitness which is beyond me!

  06:36 pm, by lydiadavies 2

Today I have been completely detached.

I haven’t had much to say or feel, which is weird because I usually have loads of both.

I spent my afternoon doodling the above, and others, trying to experience any kind of interest in anything. But alas, even neighbours wasn’t grabbing me. I feel trapped behind my eyes when I am like this. And I know that probably makes such little sense, but its the best way I can describe it.

I think might go to sleep and see if I’m different tomorrow

  10:08 pm, by lydiadavies 1

I know everyone’s banging on about it, but it seemed like a good topic to post about, as I have an opinion.

The #nomakeupselfie promoting cancer awareness went viral yesterday. My newsfeed was swamped with people uploading a fresh faced picture of themselves and tagging other people to do the same. Some stated that they had made donations to cancer research, others didn’t. Some people said it was a stupid idea, others slated the people participating.

The fact of the matter is, the underlying message of this nomination no make up thing was to raise awareness (and money if possible) for cancer, and it has done exactly that. Everyone has something to say about it, and the underlying message is to do with cancer.

I was disgusted to read people’s hurtful comments towards those participating. Comments like “ergh do everyone a favour and take one with your make up on girls” hit a nerve in me. It opened up a whole other can of worms regarding health issues for me.

It amazes me how people can not understand why so many woman are so self conscious, have issues with their image, don’t like what they look like, lack confidence because of this, and even develop serious mental health issues such as eating disorders.

What the fuck gives people the right to make such objectifying and horrible comments, especially about something that was created in order to help raise awareness for something so serious.

It just makes me sick that I had to read harsh comments directed at women for not wearing makeup. The lack of compassion from some of the human race amazes me!

Rather than focus on the good of the awareness that has been raised, people just focus on the negatives..

Rant over

  01:56 pm, by lydiadavies 8

Not written no blogs in some time. And my last one was quite angry..

As per usual I have been getting myself into many a tricky situation, which is apparently one of the things I do best. I don’t know how I manage it, but time and time again I find myself in position that I would rather not be in. The most frustrating factor of this, is that I put myself there, either by accident, by ignorance, or by pure stupidity!

I feel deep regret of what I put those around my through continuously. That guilt won’t go away, and constantly makes me feel sick. There isn’t anything I can do about the past pain I have inflicted, but I want to be able to stop doing it, to my family, friends, housemates etc. I am completely aware of when I affect people negatively through my behaviours, however said behaviours have become so deeply ingrained in me, and are sparked by real illness, that it not as easy to just stop as I would like it to be.

Trying to start again, again. And I’m trying to see the positive and focus on the good… And maybe keep myself to myself for a bit

Peace&love

  11:43 am, by lydiadavies 1

Sorry for what I’m about to post, but I seriously need to rant.

I am perfectly aware of how fortunate I am in my life etc etc, but, sometimes, I still gotta rant…

I DON’T KNOW WHY I FUCKING BOTHER.

This goes for a lot of things, nothing specific, but just in general, everything.
Why do I bother trying my absolute hardest when I keep failing. Why do I give stuff, time, things to people who don’t appreciate them time and time again. Why do I go out of my way to help people and get no thanks. Why do I constantly offer things to others that I cannot even afford for myself. Why do I bother to stand up for people. Why do I try and go after things I will never have. Why do I dream about what wont ever happen. Why do I get my hopes up. Why do I ever have confidence in myself when it just disappears immediately. Why do I hang clothes the correct way when someone just turns them back round. Why do I ask for stuff I cannot have. Why do I fold stuff up for it to get unfolded. Why do I try and watch neighbours when it won’t fucking load. Why do I write when it
Amounts
To nothing.

Ok I’m done ranting. I hope everyone is having a divine Friday.

Peace and love

  08:29 pm, by lydiadavies 2