2011/12 - 2014.

my first ever progress picture.  Not great quality but the difference definitely shows.  Going to see if I am brave enough to make a real one soon.  

11:36 pm, by lydiadavies 4

I always seem to find myself comparing now, to now a year previous.  
For me, this is incredible useful as it shows me so clear how far i have come, and how different life is.  It is surprising.  I would never a year ago, imagined this to be where I would be.  

I think it has been over four months now that I have not relapsed (minus several tiny, tiny mishaps).  I never ever in a million years thought that I would EVER be able to stop the bulimia.  Anorexia was different as it was a life or death situation, and I had no choice but to start eating.  Bulimia, also life threatening, was much less dangerous for me.  I could function and appear normal.  I was not at risk of dropping dead.  I became so used to doing it that no matter how much I hated it, I could not stop.  

FINALLY I can say that I no longer binge and purge.  This is crazy for me to be able to say.  I thought there was no escape, and that my lifestyle was misery.  

I feel so much better, physically and mentally after managing to give up.  It took a long time to get to where I am now, but I am so glad I persevered.  

I hope to go another four months, and another and another.  And I hope to not have to do that to myself ever again.  

:) peace & love

  08:51 pm, by lydiadavies 2

Its been about three weeks of living in Scotland now… I think?

I am completely skint, but working full time so next month it will pay off.  I cant wait to be able to just buy some soya milk and not have to weigh up the pros and cons of funding my coffee…  I also cant wait to buy some new shoes, and maybe a few new pieces of clothing, as I am so so bored of my years old clothes.  

  I found out some great news for my book; that it may be coming out just before christmas.  Fingers crossed, because it would be so amazing to get a bit of my writing and my story out there.  I hope that people will want to read it, and not be put off by the ‘depressive’ content, because I really feel that the message is so important, and that people can learn a lot from it.  

  I am trying hard to write book 2, but it isnt coming nearly as naturally as my first one.  Book 1 I wrote in about a month… the words just fell onto the page like a waterfall, till I realised I had created the complete book.  Writing it was such an amazing experience, because I seems to have the full story stored in detail in my head, and no where to put it till I began to write.  I was so easy because I had so much to say, and so much that I desperately wanted people to know.  I wanted to explain my anorexia from MY point of view.  I wanted to show my family and friends how I was feeling, how it tortured me, and maybe discover where it came from.  I also however want other sufferers to read it to feel less alone, and be able to see solid words that prove the damage.  

  After the brutal words of book 1… I felt it necessary to tell people where I am now.  Explain what happened after I wrote the first book… document the next year of self development to show that recovery in face IS possible.  The past year however was a middle level the whole way through more or less.  Sure I had low points and high points… but NOTHING on the low points of book one, and nothing as up as the addictions and adrenalin in book one.  It is hard to write about normal things, and to try and describe my recovery without sounding patronising, or like I have the answer.  I have no answer apart from it is such a gradual process.  I wouldn’t know where to begin in telling someone how I recovered.  It just sort of happened, finally. 

  I am going to keep at book two until I have a finished narrative which I am happy with.  I want to show everyone how different book1 and book2 are, how different I am, and how different being ill and being recovered are…

  03:37 pm, by lydiadavies

I’ve been trying to post something for ages but I am still yet to get internet in my new Glasgow home:/…

So two Sundays ago, I moved with my boyfriend and my cat to Scotland (from Brighton). We sorted a house, packed our stuff and booked a train. He has work already set up and I was just going to wing it and see what happens. Bit mad but it has worked!

Glasgow is cool so far. I love my little home. Mixie the cat has changed so much since moving here, she is almost tame and no longer a completely wild animal! So I think she likes it too!

The first week was pretty tricky as I had no cvs and was waiting for my clothes to arrive so was in the house a lot. On the third day I started applying for jobs. I asked in urban outfitters first as it is the shop I have always wanted to work in. They told me to check the fb page, so I did. I emailed the woman who it said to, with a long letter explaining my situation and why I wanted to work there. To my delight I got a reply asking me to an interview the next day!

I went I the interview, thought it went average, then two hours lasted got an email offering me full time work. I was buzzing and still am.

I have also joined a gym across the road and been going every day which is something I have wanted to do for a while too.

I’m so happy I moved up and gave it a chance.

Change is really good for me.

Will post more Glasgow stuff soon!

Peace&love

02:47 pm, by lydiadavies 2

BRIGHTON

The last three posts are photo sets of some of my best moments over the past year I have spent in Brighton.

I moved here to start a new chapter, to re-gain my independence, to recover, and ultimately to have fun.  I have done all of these things and a lot more.  

Brighton has given me freedom, through which I have been able to rediscover the self that I lost.  Looking back through the photos I am really sad that this year is coming to an end for me; but I am also unbelievably happy with how amazing it has been.  

I am going to miss this place so much, all the special people that I have met, the sea on my door step, the walk to town, SYDNEY STREET <3, the people in starbucks, the pugs i always see, the friends I have made, the amazing times that I have had.

I am so happy that I can leave here knowing that I got what I came for, it worked, and I am so much better.  I have fallen so many times, but got back up every time, and here is the place where I discovered the ultimate kind of therapy; love.  I am so lucky to have lived this year, and I am so grateful to all of the people who have helped me with out realising, who have been kind to me, and who have been there for me.     

Brighton is a very special place.  It is where I re-discovered life, and I have learned so much.  I will definitely be back… <3

I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life, meeting new people, and learning more new things, achieving goals, and being happy <3 XXO peace and love

10:56 pm, by lydiadavies 1
an introduction to my second book: Raw Realisation

RAW REALISATION
 
 
  Deciding how to write this was a lot more difficult than actually writing it.  I want it to be a positive book filled with inspiration, hope, and encouragement for others.  I want what I write to emphasise the strong message that is ´recovery IS possible´.  I do not want it to be another tale of how anorexia ripped so many things away from me whilst taking grip of me and my life.  I don’t want to give detailed descriptions of the horrifying pain that either bulimia or anorexia bring.  
Of course I may have to include some of these aspects in order to create a clear scale of just how far I have come.  But I really want to keep these parts to a minimum, and focus on all of the positive things that recovery has given me.
 
The past year for me has been yet another roller coaster.  I have had many ups and downs, which is only natural.  The important thing is, my ups have been higher, more exciting, and more important to me than the downs.  
 
In this book I want to put into words how I have re-discovered life.  How I have struggled to change so many habits, and battled my daemons till a state of exhaustion, but mostly how this has been so worth it.  If I could show anyone the possibilities and joy that come when you work your way through recovery, then I want to more than anything.  
 
  I never thought I would find love, health, and enjoyment of life.  I was the epitome of self-doubt and self-loathing.  I have found all of these things though, and way more.  I hope that others can read this and believe in themselves enough to gather the courage it takes to recover and fight.  
 
  I would like to dedicate this piece of writing to my family, friends and boyfriend.  All have shown me such loyalty, compassion, and taught me so much that I needed to learn.  Thank you for helping me find my way back to my self, and back to my health.  
 
  I would also like to thank myself, for letting recovery be possible, for challenging myself, and for persevering even when I desperately wanted to just give up.  Thanks self.  
 

Happiness is possible.  Do not give up!

an introduction to my second book: Raw Realisation

RAW REALISATION

 

 

  Deciding how to write this was a lot more difficult than actually writing it.  I want it to be a positive book filled with inspiration, hope, and encouragement for others.  I want what I write to emphasise the strong message that is ´recovery IS possible´.  I do not want it to be another tale of how anorexia ripped so many things away from me whilst taking grip of me and my life.  I don’t want to give detailed descriptions of the horrifying pain that either bulimia or anorexia bring.  

Of course I may have to include some of these aspects in order to create a clear scale of just how far I have come.  But I really want to keep these parts to a minimum, and focus on all of the positive things that recovery has given me.

 

The past year for me has been yet another roller coaster.  I have had many ups and downs, which is only natural.  The important thing is, my ups have been higher, more exciting, and more important to me than the downs.  

 

In this book I want to put into words how I have re-discovered life.  How I have struggled to change so many habits, and battled my daemons till a state of exhaustion, but mostly how this has been so worth it.  If I could show anyone the possibilities and joy that come when you work your way through recovery, then I want to more than anything.  

 

  I never thought I would find love, health, and enjoyment of life.  I was the epitome of self-doubt and self-loathing.  I have found all of these things though, and way more.  I hope that others can read this and believe in themselves enough to gather the courage it takes to recover and fight.  

 

  I would like to dedicate this piece of writing to my family, friends and boyfriend.  All have shown me such loyalty, compassion, and taught me so much that I needed to learn.  Thank you for helping me find my way back to my self, and back to my health.  

 

  I would also like to thank myself, for letting recovery be possible, for challenging myself, and for persevering even when I desperately wanted to just give up.  Thanks self.  

 

Happiness is possible.  Do not give up!

10:21 pm, by lydiadavies

I DON’T KNOW WHETHER I DESPERATELY NEED TO WRITE OR TO RANT.  im’a do both…

Yesterday sucked, big time.  I found out my Job Seekers allowance is being sanctioned.  (am i allowed to write about jsa on here?  Im going to anyway because I can write whatever the fuck I want)

I have been claiming benefits for the last couple of months as I am out of work. Finding a new job is extremely difficult at the moment.  Everyone knows this.  My worst thing is rejection for not having relevent experience… how the fuck are you supposed to gain experience if no one will hire you / train you / give you a chance?!

ANYWAY.  I have £0.03 in the bank.  I have to pay rent, bills, buy food, everything.  With nothing.  I cant seem to get a job at this point in time, though I am trying.  

I have been told that because I left my last job voluntarily that I wont be receiving any money.  I left it voluntarily though for several important reasons… which I will not go into.  The person I spoke to seemed to disbelieve everything I said (when it is all 100% true).  The worst thing is that she questioned whether my illnesses were real, as it sounded like I had made them up.  Like, what the actual fuck.  Because I am in recovery and no longer bed-ridden means I have nothing wrong with me and I am lying.  It is these sort of assumptions and unhelpful comments that are major triggers for relapse.  For someone I do not even know to talk about things like this over the phone to me in such an abrupt manner makes me so fucking venomous and angry.      

ANYWAY.  Whatever information I gave about my last job is being given back to my last employer.  This is the worst part as I am almost certain my future references could be affected by this.  It has just all become a huge fucking mess and I am very deep in a hole that has been dug for me, not by me.  

I have two weeks to move all my shit out of this fucking house, and clean it to pristine condition in the hope that I may get some of my deposit back.  Here is to dreaming.  I need the money bad though. 

Luckily I have decided to definitely move up to Scotland on the 1st of September with my boyfriend.  I cannot describe how excited I am to be re-locating.  I need a clean break from everything.  Brighton has served its purpose of getting me back on my feet very well.  But I am now at the stage where I want everything fresh, everything new, and the negatives forgotten.  I hope that my book can be published soonsoonsoon so that I can put it to the back of my mind, and properly move forward with my life, to newer and better things.  

I want to join kickboxing, have a house thats clean and organised, get rid of all my junk, have a little doggy, have fun, work hard, and save money.  I know that I will be able to do all these things once I find a way to get around the hurdle of the next three weeks.  

wish me luck! XXO

  04:41 pm, by lydiadavies 3

I NEVER EVEN WROTE A BIRTHDAY POST!

last sunday (not the one just gone - the one before that (the 3rd)), my mum, dad, brother, aunty and uncle met me and my boyfriend in Hove place for drinks.  It is a lovely pub with a beautiful Italian style Garden.  

After having drinks, mum, dad, brother, boyfriend and I continued on to the seafront restaurant Alfresco.  It is funny because this is the same restaurant I went to for my 21st birthday, when I was still in a pretty bad place.  I ordered asparagus, but sent it back as I sensed the presence of butter (which I do not eat).  It was so nice to be able to go back to the same place exactly two years on, and be able to actually enjoy it.  I drank champagne, ate and enjoyed the food that I ordered, and had a lovely evening.  

At midnight I opened my presents because I am impatient (my birthday is actually on the 4th August).  I got a dress, and jewellery, and money, and dreamcatchers, and a super cool helmet for skating, some knee, wrist and elbow pads also for skating, and just other cool things.

In the morning we went to starbucks to spend my stabucks voucher;) (best present ever), before going on a long skate along the seafront.  We stopped for chips before skating back in the boiling sun.  After a shower etc, we went to the best thai restaurant and drank champagne and at thai.

Next, was time for a nap.  A three hour nap.  

After re-energising, we went and bought a disposable BBQ and wine and things to cook.  We took the duvet down to the beach and made our supper on the BBQ.

Then home and sleep.

It was without a doubt the best birthday I have ever had.  I felt so relaxed and enjoyed everything about the day.  

AND THATS IT <3 xxo 

07:09 pm, by lydiadavies

I have 2 weeks till I move from brighton to Glasgow.
I have a long list of problems of which I have very limited time to find solutions…

1) mixie. How do I get my cat from a to b? Plane? Train? Bus? Passport? Microchip? Injections? If she needs a shit? HELP.

2) moving out. Need to get all my glam garmz to Surrey before narrowing them down to essentials. I do not know the meaning of essentials. I love all my coats too much to part with any:(

- need to rehome 2 large arm chairs, a sofa, two mini tables, a chair.

- need to get to Surrey 4 wooden chairs, a table, a chest of drawers, a matress, a load of junk.

3) money. How I am gonna gather enough money in two weeks for a train ticket, sending bags, rent, bills, cleaning for old house, more bills, I do not know.

4) packing. Only. Hand. Luggage.

5) unfurnished new flat.

6) job. I don’t have one and will need one upon arrival.

There are more but…

  02:09 pm, by lydiadavies 1