an introduction to my second book: Raw Realisation

RAW REALISATION
 
 
  Deciding how to write this was a lot more difficult than actually writing it.  I want it to be a positive book filled with inspiration, hope, and encouragement for others.  I want what I write to emphasise the strong message that is ´recovery IS possible´.  I do not want it to be another tale of how anorexia ripped so many things away from me whilst taking grip of me and my life.  I don’t want to give detailed descriptions of the horrifying pain that either bulimia or anorexia bring.  
Of course I may have to include some of these aspects in order to create a clear scale of just how far I have come.  But I really want to keep these parts to a minimum, and focus on all of the positive things that recovery has given me.
 
The past year for me has been yet another roller coaster.  I have had many ups and downs, which is only natural.  The important thing is, my ups have been higher, more exciting, and more important to me than the downs.  
 
In this book I want to put into words how I have re-discovered life.  How I have struggled to change so many habits, and battled my daemons till a state of exhaustion, but mostly how this has been so worth it.  If I could show anyone the possibilities and joy that come when you work your way through recovery, then I want to more than anything.  
 
  I never thought I would find love, health, and enjoyment of life.  I was the epitome of self-doubt and self-loathing.  I have found all of these things though, and way more.  I hope that others can read this and believe in themselves enough to gather the courage it takes to recover and fight.  
 
  I would like to dedicate this piece of writing to my family, friends and boyfriend.  All have shown me such loyalty, compassion, and taught me so much that I needed to learn.  Thank you for helping me find my way back to my self, and back to my health.  
 
  I would also like to thank myself, for letting recovery be possible, for challenging myself, and for persevering even when I desperately wanted to just give up.  Thanks self.  
 

Happiness is possible.  Do not give up!

an introduction to my second book: Raw Realisation

RAW REALISATION

 

 

  Deciding how to write this was a lot more difficult than actually writing it.  I want it to be a positive book filled with inspiration, hope, and encouragement for others.  I want what I write to emphasise the strong message that is ´recovery IS possible´.  I do not want it to be another tale of how anorexia ripped so many things away from me whilst taking grip of me and my life.  I don’t want to give detailed descriptions of the horrifying pain that either bulimia or anorexia bring.  

Of course I may have to include some of these aspects in order to create a clear scale of just how far I have come.  But I really want to keep these parts to a minimum, and focus on all of the positive things that recovery has given me.

 

The past year for me has been yet another roller coaster.  I have had many ups and downs, which is only natural.  The important thing is, my ups have been higher, more exciting, and more important to me than the downs.  

 

In this book I want to put into words how I have re-discovered life.  How I have struggled to change so many habits, and battled my daemons till a state of exhaustion, but mostly how this has been so worth it.  If I could show anyone the possibilities and joy that come when you work your way through recovery, then I want to more than anything.  

 

  I never thought I would find love, health, and enjoyment of life.  I was the epitome of self-doubt and self-loathing.  I have found all of these things though, and way more.  I hope that others can read this and believe in themselves enough to gather the courage it takes to recover and fight.  

 

  I would like to dedicate this piece of writing to my family, friends and boyfriend.  All have shown me such loyalty, compassion, and taught me so much that I needed to learn.  Thank you for helping me find my way back to my self, and back to my health.  

 

  I would also like to thank myself, for letting recovery be possible, for challenging myself, and for persevering even when I desperately wanted to just give up.  Thanks self.  

 

Happiness is possible.  Do not give up!

10:21 pm, by lydiadavies

I DON’T KNOW WHETHER I DESPERATELY NEED TO WRITE OR TO RANT.  im’a do both…

Yesterday sucked, big time.  I found out my Job Seekers allowance is being sanctioned.  (am i allowed to write about jsa on here?  Im going to anyway because I can write whatever the fuck I want)

I have been claiming benefits for the last couple of months as I am out of work. Finding a new job is extremely difficult at the moment.  Everyone knows this.  My worst thing is rejection for not having relevent experience… how the fuck are you supposed to gain experience if no one will hire you / train you / give you a chance?!

ANYWAY.  I have £0.03 in the bank.  I have to pay rent, bills, buy food, everything.  With nothing.  I cant seem to get a job at this point in time, though I am trying.  

I have been told that because I left my last job voluntarily that I wont be receiving any money.  I left it voluntarily though for several important reasons… which I will not go into.  The person I spoke to seemed to disbelieve everything I said (when it is all 100% true).  The worst thing is that she questioned whether my illnesses were real, as it sounded like I had made them up.  Like, what the actual fuck.  Because I am in recovery and no longer bed-ridden means I have nothing wrong with me and I am lying.  It is these sort of assumptions and unhelpful comments that are major triggers for relapse.  For someone I do not even know to talk about things like this over the phone to me in such an abrupt manner makes me so fucking venomous and angry.      

ANYWAY.  Whatever information I gave about my last job is being given back to my last employer.  This is the worst part as I am almost certain my future references could be affected by this.  It has just all become a huge fucking mess and I am very deep in a hole that has been dug for me, not by me.  

I have two weeks to move all my shit out of this fucking house, and clean it to pristine condition in the hope that I may get some of my deposit back.  Here is to dreaming.  I need the money bad though. 

Luckily I have decided to definitely move up to Scotland on the 1st of September with my boyfriend.  I cannot describe how excited I am to be re-locating.  I need a clean break from everything.  Brighton has served its purpose of getting me back on my feet very well.  But I am now at the stage where I want everything fresh, everything new, and the negatives forgotten.  I hope that my book can be published soonsoonsoon so that I can put it to the back of my mind, and properly move forward with my life, to newer and better things.  

I want to join kickboxing, have a house thats clean and organised, get rid of all my junk, have a little doggy, have fun, work hard, and save money.  I know that I will be able to do all these things once I find a way to get around the hurdle of the next three weeks.  

wish me luck! XXO

  04:41 pm, by lydiadavies 3

I NEVER EVEN WROTE A BIRTHDAY POST!

last sunday (not the one just gone - the one before that (the 3rd)), my mum, dad, brother, aunty and uncle met me and my boyfriend in Hove place for drinks.  It is a lovely pub with a beautiful Italian style Garden.  

After having drinks, mum, dad, brother, boyfriend and I continued on to the seafront restaurant Alfresco.  It is funny because this is the same restaurant I went to for my 21st birthday, when I was still in a pretty bad place.  I ordered asparagus, but sent it back as I sensed the presence of butter (which I do not eat).  It was so nice to be able to go back to the same place exactly two years on, and be able to actually enjoy it.  I drank champagne, ate and enjoyed the food that I ordered, and had a lovely evening.  

At midnight I opened my presents because I am impatient (my birthday is actually on the 4th August).  I got a dress, and jewellery, and money, and dreamcatchers, and a super cool helmet for skating, some knee, wrist and elbow pads also for skating, and just other cool things.

In the morning we went to starbucks to spend my stabucks voucher;) (best present ever), before going on a long skate along the seafront.  We stopped for chips before skating back in the boiling sun.  After a shower etc, we went to the best thai restaurant and drank champagne and at thai.

Next, was time for a nap.  A three hour nap.  

After re-energising, we went and bought a disposable BBQ and wine and things to cook.  We took the duvet down to the beach and made our supper on the BBQ.

Then home and sleep.

It was without a doubt the best birthday I have ever had.  I felt so relaxed and enjoyed everything about the day.  

AND THATS IT <3 xxo 

07:09 pm, by lydiadavies

I have 2 weeks till I move from brighton to Glasgow.
I have a long list of problems of which I have very limited time to find solutions…

1) mixie. How do I get my cat from a to b? Plane? Train? Bus? Passport? Microchip? Injections? If she needs a shit? HELP.

2) moving out. Need to get all my glam garmz to Surrey before narrowing them down to essentials. I do not know the meaning of essentials. I love all my coats too much to part with any:(

- need to rehome 2 large arm chairs, a sofa, two mini tables, a chair.

- need to get to Surrey 4 wooden chairs, a table, a chest of drawers, a matress, a load of junk.

3) money. How I am gonna gather enough money in two weeks for a train ticket, sending bags, rent, bills, cleaning for old house, more bills, I do not know.

4) packing. Only. Hand. Luggage.

5) unfurnished new flat.

6) job. I don’t have one and will need one upon arrival.

There are more but…

  02:09 pm, by lydiadavies 1

Prozac free

Over the past month or so I have gradually forgotten more and more frequently to take my antidepressants. Before, I would never forget a pill, partly because I could see the difference when I missed a dose, and partly because I relied on them to keep my sane.

The fact that I have been able to forget so easily tells me that I don’t need them so much anymore, if at all. It shows me that I don’t need to rely on the medicine to keep me balanced.

Prozac did a lot for me, and if I ever feel the need again, I would not hesitate to go back to them. Out of all the antidepressants I have tried I found them the most effective, they worked best for me. They had a wonderful way of keeping me level and no being the emotional wreck I was before I started taking them.

I no longer need to rely on anything to lift my mood, as I have discovered new ways to do this myself. It has been about five years that I have been taking medication (of different kinds) to help with my depression and anxiety, and to be honest I never thought I would be without them. But without even realising I no longer need them, and this is pretty amazing!

(If anyone reads this and is considering coming of medication obviously always consult your doctor first in order to reduce safely)

Peace and love

  05:29 pm, by lydiadavies 5

Ok what else.

I got a new piercing (lip) as shown above, which has made me reaaaaaally want my septum done but I know my family would cry like babies..

I’m kind of realising that just ‘taking each day as it comes’ is more possible than I thought (SOMETIMES).

My only real worries are money (or lack of it), how the fuck I’m gonna pack all my clothes and my cat for Scotland:S, where I’m gonna live, what job I’m gonna get, and pretty much what the best chapter has to hold!

And I mis getting new clothes all the time I am so sick of mine it’s unreal.

Peace & love

Also ‘stuck in love’ is my new favourite film…

  08:05 pm, by lydiadavies

it’s been a while…

So I thought it is about time i write a proper life update. 

For the past month I have been searching for work in order to support myself till my time in Brighton comes to an end (next month!!!)…

Since last July / August, my life has completely changed.  Choosing to move to Brighton with my best friend, was by far one of the best decisions I ever made.  We have had some amazing times living together, and so much fun its ridiculous.  I was extremely lucky to get to live with her and we’ve created awesome memories to keep forever.

This decision I made brought me everything I thought it would, and so much more.  I got my independence back, I relaxed, I pushed further with my recovery, and essentially; rediscovered life.  I have sort of found myself again, and managed to create a relatively firm grip with the real me, without the illness - which is amazing.  

 I thought all of these things were possible, but I did not think it possible for me to find the person I was meant to find - and crazily enough, I did.  I am so excited for the future, and all the places to go, all the things to do, and all the things to learn.  

Next month I will be moving to Scotland, which will be extremely different from here - but Brighton has definitely served its purpose in my life for now.  It brought me the freedom I so desired, and it will always have a special place in my heart.  

In other news, a contract has been signed for my book ‘RAW’ to be released as an e-book.  Of course I am extremely excited for this as it is almost a year since I completed the writing of it.  These things take a long time to fully come together though, so I am patiently waiting (but watch this space).  

I will continue this in another post later, as I need a break to think about all that has happened……………………

06:51 pm, by lydiadavies

You remind me of Helena Bonham Carter... I love her :p


:)

04:34 pm, question from Anonymous, answered by lydiadavies 1

It is 2 months today that I haven’t relapsed. 🙀🙀🙀🙀🙀

11:27 am, by lydiadavies 1

Afew weeks ago I was flipping burgers.
Today I was helping being a builder.

What is my life.

On the positive, I have managed to get in on a new art blogging project happening in Glasgow (where I am moving to in September).

I have always loved art and fashion and writings, so am so excited to be able to contribute to such a project in the new place I will be living.

I have been struggling with money and career options badly lately, but this, although unpaid, reminds me of some of the things that I am most passionate about, and that I actually want to be able to do.

The above picture is of an amazing cost which I accidentally got today. I’m in love with it and have barely taken it off even though it has been HOT today.

Not much else to say, just felt like writing something!…

Peace&love

Lydia XXO

  08:00 pm, by lydiadavies 1

Great things that happened today:

I saw a pug the second I left the house

I went on a great run on the sea front

I washed my hair

I had a good lunch

I relaxed and watched neighbours

I got a potential trail at a vegan cafe I have always wanted to work at

I got my job seekers allowance approved

I met another beautiful pug called pip

I got money off Starbucks

I found 20 cigarettes on the floor

I roller blades home without falling

Buzzing.

  06:57 pm, by lydiadavies 1

Now that it is Monday again, I have a fresh week to plan.

Unemployment is so difficult as there is so much time to fill, and because I am earning nothing while I do it, it can make me feel pretty (completely useless)…

HOWEVER.  I need to remain positive, and focus on the useful things that I can do while I have this free time - 

continue applying for any jobs I see

write more of my second book

make my blogs as good as they can be and keep them up to date

do the washing

tidy up

sort stuff out that I dont need anymore

sell stuff

run

swim

be out in the sun

meditate

draw

read

walk

look for houses in glasgow

look for pug dealers in glasgow

write letters to people

decorate more vinyl

take photographs

this WILL be a good week.

the picture above is MAUI in Hawaii…  where I am determined to be within the next few years, even for a visit.  

  10:15 am, by lydiadavies 2